Elena’s parenting has taken many turns throughout her time as a mother. At first she had much trouble connecting to the baby Dede and held resentment towards her for that. Then Elena started devoting all her time to being a mother to Dede and Elsa during their formative years, until Nino came into the picture. Elena started ignoring her children in favor of her love for Nino. She involves her daughters directly in the divorce with Pietro, which must have a lasting impact on them. I think about how much Pietro was affected by that one time he saw his mother with another man; it still had lasting effects until he was an adult. Dede and Elsa have been subjected to much worse, so I can only imagine how it will affect them as adults. Elena even leaves her children with her in-laws for almost a two year period. Dede and Elsa are constantly changing cities and schools and that must be hard on them. It seems extremely unmotherly to me to leave one’s children for that amount of time when they are growing up.
What interests me is the phenomenon of children wanting others as their parents. I remember growing up that my best friend’s mom always made delicious dinner that would be on the table by 6p.m. every night, while my own mother was usually at work until 8p.m. most nights of the week. I used to tell my mother that I wished my best friend’s parents were my parents because they took better care of their children. I am sure that it must have been heartbreaking for my mother to hear that, just as it is heartbreaking for Elena.
When Elena goes to America with Nino she leaves the kids behind with Lila. After they return home they say to Elena, “Mamma, why don’t we go see Aunt Lina, why don’t you let us sleep at her house more, don’t you have to go away anymore?” (135). Elena refers to this as her daughter’s “idealization of Lila” and it “hurts” Elena (135). This encounter made me look both at Elena’s life and my own life and wonder what it is that makes children resentful of their own parents and attached to the parents of others. I tried to find a scholarly article on this subject but had trouble coming across anything of substance, so I will give my own interpretation. I think that one’s own parents are always the ones that have to make the rules and punish their children, while other parents will seemingly treat their own children like angels. It is easy to idealize the treatment of another child by their parents when you don’t live there and don’t see their own children being punished as well. I believe this is especially true for Dede and Elsa who must hold even more resentment towards their mother because she has left them before for long periods of time.
Thank you for the post Shoshana. Isn’t always true that as youth’s we see other parents through a different lenses? At home, as you say, we are disciplined by our parents, we may see them struggle with financial problems, stressed and irritated with their own personal or professional relationship. As the saying goes “the grass is always greener on the other side” . Elena’s teachers I believe give her the admiration and push that one would think that a parent would do and her parent’s did not. I agree that Dede and Elsa will have resentment towards their mother for being absent until they are old enough to realize the struggles and sacrifices that Elena made to give them a hugh head start in life. I also believe Elena will alway regret time not spent with her children. Life, it’s complicated.
Thank you, Shoshana, for this reflection and personal narrative!